departure

i gazed at the dark, now empty rooms we'd spent the last year inhabiting.

it was about time to lock up for the last time. this was the place where so much good had occurred. the best year of my life, all memories grounded to this dwelling. my love's graduation ceremony, first super-cool science job... my cat disappearing for a day, and coming back home to me at nightfall. fun & affection with my best friend-- the celebration day of her first paycheck. the conception and birth of my beautiful gift of a child.

for the first time ever in my life, i was so happy i wept.

Layne's first video chat with dad from work

It's good to be born in the decade 2010

we start out as 2 cells and then we grow, grow, grow

i have waited so long for this. what was glimpsed in dreams is a daily reality now. soothing you, changing you, sitting near while you sleep, giving you to your mom for feeding. what i do matters to someone, finally.

you are really another me. as you are brand new, so also is my life made new again.

birthday at last

12/27/10 at 3:07pm. 6 pounds and 15 ounces. i have never felt birthdays were anything worthwhile until yours. you are the most beautiful creature imaginable.

Layne Karin out cold after a good feeding today:

this is it

i am sitting in the room you will be born in. just as we were about to get to sleep for the night, suddenly contractions began like clockwork every 90 seconds to 2 minutes. this was very confusing since we expected to have a long amount of time of consistent but short and well-spaced contractions. just about time that we needed sleep came the realization that this was real labor.

so, i just had a doze, soothed by your little 160 bpm heartbeat. everything is ready for you. heart.... keep it up. you can do it.

the story so far

just under 7 years ago, something strange happened.

january 24, 2004. Someone decided to leave a comment in a stranger's journal. Something she never, ever does. [Certain types of journal-writing creatures only enjoy the writing and also exploring what others have written, but don't really use it for back and forth or collaboration. We keep to ourselves, the introverts we are.]

They got interested in everything written in the other's journal. So they started conversing with instant messaging. A week later, (even more strangely for these introverts) they decided to get together...

On December 1 2004 they got married.

Over 6 years, so much has been accomplished. We have transformed our separate selves, growing together- meeting very significant goals along the way. We have fought for the identity of our partnership, discovering our own intricacies of personality. We have worked for better health. We have secured education & solid income even within what's viewed by most as the most challenging economic climate yet. We've earned the respect & support of others, though not everyone. We've lost friends and support along the way too. We've created a form of unity that is not understood by most.

Now it is time for Layne, the right time. We will fight for you as an essential element of our unity. With purpose we have chosen to bring you in to our life. You transcend everything else we've worked for, you are all that matters now. Life didn't exactly make sense, something necessary wasn't here, before.

dreams of you

i have had several dreams every month since you came along. dreams of caring for you & holding you, dreams of your birth... dreams of intense happiness. i think these dreams formed from internal cognitive pressure building up.... the stress of the questions of whether i am capable of the responsibility necessary to give you all you deserve in life...

all doubt, stress, and worry has re-arranged, hit the exact right mix to create this balanced reaction in my brain chemistry. my attachment to you is immense. all i feel is a brand new, completely real certainty of myself, through you. in my dreams i was so happy. you (& your mom) are just what i need to be content.