Proudness

This family is something I can finally feel proud of.

Something we are constructing, apart from anything, material or intangible, possessed by the families that we originated from.

It's something that's mine. It doesn't have to be perfect.
It's right, and makes being alive worth the struggle.

It is a place for the first time that is home. Ones who want me there live at home. So this is truly a first time experience for me. To belong in the human community. To interact in physical authenticity.

To come into a place and grasp it just for this short moment, where it matters that I keep things in order, cook food, and in general can experience peace and rest as well as the regeneration of play. Where my presence ABSOLUTELY matters.

the child has begun the excellent process of knowing everything

Day 318

Today my beautiful child stunned both of us with her responses to "dj lance says clap your hands" with clapping, and "milk" with the sign for milk. Multiple times over- no way to dispute her understanding of the words themselves. She knows the communication & the object that's being communicated. Never have I experienced a prouder or more joyous moment.

it begins

the nights of little or no sanity seem to have come to a sharp decrease.... whilst.... days of crazy-making have hit a start...

this after only months of silly rolling clumsily to only mildly create a slight version of getting into what you shouldn't.

as of now, you crawl.

devious.

now's the time i begin to learn what it really must have been like to put up with tiny me...

content

There are only 4 months left in 2011. For 239 days, we’ve been up early. The Saturdays or Sundays I accidentally slept longer, I felt really bad for missing that time.

I just can’t seem to summarize what it’s been like to do something, exactly nothing like any prior endeavor, consistently, every day, for so long. Lots of things, new things. Hundreds of days later now, I couldn’t have imagined before how hard some of the individual challenging moments would be.

It feels weird. There’s so much less time to do anything like before, but I also I’ve never been content day to day like I have for the past 200+ of decreased sleep & daily fun/mischief.

Inspired toward practical changes

This has been a hard month. You’re getting so many more teeth, and your mom has had severe pain & needed emergency treatment. We had nearly an entire day together that first day, from getting up, to your bath and bedtime.

I am desperately trying to learn to be more helpful… The longer I go in this new fangled parental responsibility, the more obvious it becomes to me how far I have to go personally to become the kind of dad I know you ultimately deserve. I call the goal itself Super Dad state of mind. How can I put my past behavior patterns aside in order to accomplish the following:

1- always be nice to everyone (thanks yo gabba gabba)

2- maintain a calmness & steadfastness of outward action, even under pressure, stress, or threatening incidental day today occurrences (like dodging poor drivers)

3- offer an emotional strength I know will be necessary at times to help repair if you’re ever disappointed or sad about losing something you valued, making a mistake, getting hurt, or otherwise damaging your feelings.

4- willpower to forgo time spent on my own special interests in order to get housework done as well as bills and other standard issue Dad stuff… Oil changes and other vehicle safety needs…

It’s just become clear to me (in ways that weren’t possible to imagine without having been through 7 months of life with a new tiny human) what I need to work on most to give you what I promised in my pact last father’s day.

checkpoint: half birthday

to the date.... 6 months since your birthday. really you've been around over a year now. We've gotten to have mother's day and father's day twice. You've met all your grandparents and struggled with your jaundice, continuing reflux, and early teething. I do want you to grow up, but I will miss this tiny you so much. You may be on the path to a huge amount of learning, but you really don't know how much teaching you are actually creating. You open a new realm of interactivity for me. You are small and your communication doesn't contain implied messages. The cues you generate seem to be exactly tuned to my mind. I can interact with you much more freely, with ease & enjoyment that simply does not occur with others. I don't have to wonder how to do/say the right thing. Figuring out your needs is still a challenge, but your communication will progress soon. You make familiar something that has always felt a little strange: friend. I will solely possess the memories of your earliest life, before you get the chance to start retaining memories. We have made documentation though that you will be able at least to re-observe what your earliest life looked like and sounded like... from our perspective. The feelings you pass to me with every cue form the memory of what being new feels like, though you won't get a memory of this.. I can tell you when you're older.

a super duper mother

for mother's day i need to tell you thanks for the following

1- taking care of baby all night, every night

2- doing science 20 hours a week so we have money to save for her

3- always remembering the things we need to get done & making sure there is milk pumped for her to eat during your work morning

4- patience for my frequent forgetting the stuff i'm supposed take care of

i feel like what i put in, while necessary, is not comparable to the level to which your efforts hold our new family unit together. maybe that's why moms are so awesome.

Today, 2010

It was actually a Saturday then.

84 days

today you have been living outside the womb for 12 weeks. you made it through the 4th trimester! it has been difficult and yet very enjoyable now that you're here. your smiles are worth everything. they show me the genius in you. i am looking forward to every additional day.

departure

i gazed at the dark, now empty rooms we'd spent the last year inhabiting.

it was about time to lock up for the last time. this was the place where so much good had occurred. the best year of my life, all memories grounded to this dwelling. my love's graduation ceremony, first super-cool science job... my cat disappearing for a day, and coming back home to me at nightfall. fun & affection with my best friend-- the celebration day of her first paycheck. the conception and birth of my beautiful gift of a child.

for the first time ever in my life, i was so happy i wept.

Layne's first video chat with dad from work

It's good to be born in the decade 2010

we start out as 2 cells and then we grow, grow, grow

i have waited so long for this. what was glimpsed in dreams is a daily reality now. soothing you, changing you, sitting near while you sleep, giving you to your mom for feeding. what i do matters to someone, finally.

you are really another me. as you are brand new, so also is my life made new again.

birthday at last

12/27/10 at 3:07pm. 6 pounds and 15 ounces. i have never felt birthdays were anything worthwhile until yours. you are the most beautiful creature imaginable.

Layne Karin out cold after a good feeding today:

this is it

i am sitting in the room you will be born in. just as we were about to get to sleep for the night, suddenly contractions began like clockwork every 90 seconds to 2 minutes. this was very confusing since we expected to have a long amount of time of consistent but short and well-spaced contractions. just about time that we needed sleep came the realization that this was real labor.

so, i just had a doze, soothed by your little 160 bpm heartbeat. everything is ready for you. heart.... keep it up. you can do it.

the story so far

just under 7 years ago, something strange happened.

january 24, 2004. Someone decided to leave a comment in a stranger's journal. Something she never, ever does. [Certain types of journal-writing creatures only enjoy the writing and also exploring what others have written, but don't really use it for back and forth or collaboration. We keep to ourselves, the introverts we are.]

They got interested in everything written in the other's journal. So they started conversing with instant messaging. A week later, (even more strangely for these introverts) they decided to get together...

On December 1 2004 they got married.

Over 6 years, so much has been accomplished. We have transformed our separate selves, growing together- meeting very significant goals along the way. We have fought for the identity of our partnership, discovering our own intricacies of personality. We have worked for better health. We have secured education & solid income even within what's viewed by most as the most challenging economic climate yet. We've earned the respect & support of others, though not everyone. We've lost friends and support along the way too. We've created a form of unity that is not understood by most.

Now it is time for Layne, the right time. We will fight for you as an essential element of our unity. With purpose we have chosen to bring you in to our life. You transcend everything else we've worked for, you are all that matters now. Life didn't exactly make sense, something necessary wasn't here, before.

dreams of you

i have had several dreams every month since you came along. dreams of caring for you & holding you, dreams of your birth... dreams of intense happiness. i think these dreams formed from internal cognitive pressure building up.... the stress of the questions of whether i am capable of the responsibility necessary to give you all you deserve in life...

all doubt, stress, and worry has re-arranged, hit the exact right mix to create this balanced reaction in my brain chemistry. my attachment to you is immense. all i feel is a brand new, completely real certainty of myself, through you. in my dreams i was so happy. you (& your mom) are just what i need to be content.

just about ready

not much more to write about. you aren't quite here officially yet, but you've been the highlight anyway; we are getting everything ready, spending a lot on special things for you, and taking the time to feel and talk to you, play music for you, and imagine the new life just around the corner with you. Really you've been with us very consciously for 6 months. You exist, just waiting to be thrust into this world that's not as womby as you might like...

I am almost finished reading Heading Home with your Newborn, and I also have the Be Prepared handbook for new dads, so I will have some clue what to do once you are born. I was terrified of making a mistake that could harm you, so now I feel a little more steady. Now armed with some fairly obvious knowledge that was easy to obtain, I wonder how any parent could do some of the things they carelessly do.

Because of how it can impact you, I have a sudden dis-empathy for anyone who feels the need to smoke cigarettes constantly. I don't know how you're ever going to be able to see your grandpa...

A flaw of mine is having a standard that doesn't allow me to stay focused, I get angry at the careless actions of others and start to react to them- I am trying to build up some new mental constitution so I can keep my focus on protecting you and avoid being distracted by the stupidity of others around us.

Retry

Maybe all new parents seek to give their children a chance at what they never realistically had....

The chance to be valued just for who you are, and encouraged to do anything you want to do.

The chance to be loved because you exist, without any complicated pretenses.

I look forward to learning what childhood is like, finally.

Two in clear-minded unity become three.

You have permission to be anything you want to be. I know you can accomplish anything you can imagine.

Hello, baby.

I am 24 weeks pregnant today.

I'm so excited to meet you. I think about you all the time.
I love to look at all of your little clothes, and to imagine your tiny little hands and feet.

Sometimes I worry that we won't have everything ready for you. But, I know that we want you, and that as soon as you get here, we will be able to take care of you.

So, take your time, but don't take too long! We're waiting.