Layne's first video chat with dad from work

It's good to be born in the decade 2010

we start out as 2 cells and then we grow, grow, grow

i have waited so long for this. what was glimpsed in dreams is a daily reality now. soothing you, changing you, sitting near while you sleep, giving you to your mom for feeding. what i do matters to someone, finally.

you are really another me. as you are brand new, so also is my life made new again.

birthday at last

12/27/10 at 3:07pm. 6 pounds and 15 ounces. i have never felt birthdays were anything worthwhile until yours. you are the most beautiful creature imaginable.

Layne Karin out cold after a good feeding today:

this is it

i am sitting in the room you will be born in. just as we were about to get to sleep for the night, suddenly contractions began like clockwork every 90 seconds to 2 minutes. this was very confusing since we expected to have a long amount of time of consistent but short and well-spaced contractions. just about time that we needed sleep came the realization that this was real labor.

so, i just had a doze, soothed by your little 160 bpm heartbeat. everything is ready for you. heart.... keep it up. you can do it.

the story so far

just under 7 years ago, something strange happened.

january 24, 2004. Someone decided to leave a comment in a stranger's journal. Something she never, ever does. [Certain types of journal-writing creatures only enjoy the writing and also exploring what others have written, but don't really use it for back and forth or collaboration. We keep to ourselves, the introverts we are.]

They got interested in everything written in the other's journal. So they started conversing with instant messaging. A week later, (even more strangely for these introverts) they decided to get together...

On December 1 2004 they got married.

Over 6 years, so much has been accomplished. We have transformed our separate selves, growing together- meeting very significant goals along the way. We have fought for the identity of our partnership, discovering our own intricacies of personality. We have worked for better health. We have secured education & solid income even within what's viewed by most as the most challenging economic climate yet. We've earned the respect & support of others, though not everyone. We've lost friends and support along the way too. We've created a form of unity that is not understood by most.

Now it is time for Layne, the right time. We will fight for you as an essential element of our unity. With purpose we have chosen to bring you in to our life. You transcend everything else we've worked for, you are all that matters now. Life didn't exactly make sense, something necessary wasn't here, before.

dreams of you

i have had several dreams every month since you came along. dreams of caring for you & holding you, dreams of your birth... dreams of intense happiness. i think these dreams formed from internal cognitive pressure building up.... the stress of the questions of whether i am capable of the responsibility necessary to give you all you deserve in life...

all doubt, stress, and worry has re-arranged, hit the exact right mix to create this balanced reaction in my brain chemistry. my attachment to you is immense. all i feel is a brand new, completely real certainty of myself, through you. in my dreams i was so happy. you (& your mom) are just what i need to be content.

just about ready

not much more to write about. you aren't quite here officially yet, but you've been the highlight anyway; we are getting everything ready, spending a lot on special things for you, and taking the time to feel and talk to you, play music for you, and imagine the new life just around the corner with you. Really you've been with us very consciously for 6 months. You exist, just waiting to be thrust into this world that's not as womby as you might like...

I am almost finished reading Heading Home with your Newborn, and I also have the Be Prepared handbook for new dads, so I will have some clue what to do once you are born. I was terrified of making a mistake that could harm you, so now I feel a little more steady. Now armed with some fairly obvious knowledge that was easy to obtain, I wonder how any parent could do some of the things they carelessly do.

Because of how it can impact you, I have a sudden dis-empathy for anyone who feels the need to smoke cigarettes constantly. I don't know how you're ever going to be able to see your grandpa...

A flaw of mine is having a standard that doesn't allow me to stay focused, I get angry at the careless actions of others and start to react to them- I am trying to build up some new mental constitution so I can keep my focus on protecting you and avoid being distracted by the stupidity of others around us.