Proudness

This family is something I can finally feel proud of.

Something we are constructing, apart from anything, material or intangible, possessed by the families that we originated from.

It's something that's mine. It doesn't have to be perfect.
It's right, and makes being alive worth the struggle.

It is a place for the first time that is home. Ones who want me there live at home. So this is truly a first time experience for me. To belong in the human community. To interact in physical authenticity.

To come into a place and grasp it just for this short moment, where it matters that I keep things in order, cook food, and in general can experience peace and rest as well as the regeneration of play. Where my presence ABSOLUTELY matters.

the child has begun the excellent process of knowing everything

Day 318

Today my beautiful child stunned both of us with her responses to "dj lance says clap your hands" with clapping, and "milk" with the sign for milk. Multiple times over- no way to dispute her understanding of the words themselves. She knows the communication & the object that's being communicated. Never have I experienced a prouder or more joyous moment.

it begins

the nights of little or no sanity seem to have come to a sharp decrease.... whilst.... days of crazy-making have hit a start...

this after only months of silly rolling clumsily to only mildly create a slight version of getting into what you shouldn't.

as of now, you crawl.

devious.

now's the time i begin to learn what it really must have been like to put up with tiny me...

content

There are only 4 months left in 2011. For 239 days, we’ve been up early. The Saturdays or Sundays I accidentally slept longer, I felt really bad for missing that time.

I just can’t seem to summarize what it’s been like to do something, exactly nothing like any prior endeavor, consistently, every day, for so long. Lots of things, new things. Hundreds of days later now, I couldn’t have imagined before how hard some of the individual challenging moments would be.

It feels weird. There’s so much less time to do anything like before, but I also I’ve never been content day to day like I have for the past 200+ of decreased sleep & daily fun/mischief.

Inspired toward practical changes

This has been a hard month. You’re getting so many more teeth, and your mom has had severe pain & needed emergency treatment. We had nearly an entire day together that first day, from getting up, to your bath and bedtime.

I am desperately trying to learn to be more helpful… The longer I go in this new fangled parental responsibility, the more obvious it becomes to me how far I have to go personally to become the kind of dad I know you ultimately deserve. I call the goal itself Super Dad state of mind. How can I put my past behavior patterns aside in order to accomplish the following:

1- always be nice to everyone (thanks yo gabba gabba)

2- maintain a calmness & steadfastness of outward action, even under pressure, stress, or threatening incidental day today occurrences (like dodging poor drivers)

3- offer an emotional strength I know will be necessary at times to help repair if you’re ever disappointed or sad about losing something you valued, making a mistake, getting hurt, or otherwise damaging your feelings.

4- willpower to forgo time spent on my own special interests in order to get housework done as well as bills and other standard issue Dad stuff… Oil changes and other vehicle safety needs…

It’s just become clear to me (in ways that weren’t possible to imagine without having been through 7 months of life with a new tiny human) what I need to work on most to give you what I promised in my pact last father’s day.

checkpoint: half birthday

to the date.... 6 months since your birthday. really you've been around over a year now. We've gotten to have mother's day and father's day twice. You've met all your grandparents and struggled with your jaundice, continuing reflux, and early teething. I do want you to grow up, but I will miss this tiny you so much. You may be on the path to a huge amount of learning, but you really don't know how much teaching you are actually creating. You open a new realm of interactivity for me. You are small and your communication doesn't contain implied messages. The cues you generate seem to be exactly tuned to my mind. I can interact with you much more freely, with ease & enjoyment that simply does not occur with others. I don't have to wonder how to do/say the right thing. Figuring out your needs is still a challenge, but your communication will progress soon. You make familiar something that has always felt a little strange: friend. I will solely possess the memories of your earliest life, before you get the chance to start retaining memories. We have made documentation though that you will be able at least to re-observe what your earliest life looked like and sounded like... from our perspective. The feelings you pass to me with every cue form the memory of what being new feels like, though you won't get a memory of this.. I can tell you when you're older.